The Memo
by EmeraldsandAmethyst
Summary: Coulson would really prefer that no one would ever need form 7A WF 83429. Unfortunately, recent events have shown the form was not designed for all contingencies.
1. The Memo

To: SHIELD Academy Administrators-LVL6; SHIELD Academy Team 'Classic'-LVL4; SHIELD Academy Team 'New Warriors'-LVL1

CC: Director of SHIELD-LVL10

Date: REDACTED

Subject: Update to Form 7A WF 83429 (! URGENT)

Attachment: [REDACTED]

After careful review of recent events, it has become apparent that all SHIELD agents will need to immediately review and complete the attached emergency action form. This includes agent trainees enrolled at SHIELD Academy.

Return the completed form by 1700.

Academy teams please direct all questions to Spider-Man.

Agent Phil Coulson

Director of SHIELD Academy

 **S** trategic **H** omeland **I** ntervention and **E** nforcement **L** ogistics **D** ivision

 **S.H.I.E.L.D.**

 **Warning:** The contents of this message are a matter of planetary security. Unauthorized reproduction of the contents of this message, in whole or in part, will result in prosecution to the fullest extent of planetary law.

 **Clearance Level One** \- All S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and contractors are authorized to view this message. If you are receiving this message in error leave your systems powered on, do not attempt to delete this message, and remain calm. SHIELD personnel will be contacting you shortly.

* * *

Update: Oops, I can't believe I forgot the "Logistics" in SHIELD. fix it.

Notes:

Ozhawk's Soulmate Shorts story, specifically the Jemma/Tony chapter referenced this form. My muse would not let me go until I wrote this little drabble. I don't really write soulmate thingies though, so there won't be any soulmate stuff unless you (the reader) requests it. Update: There is also another fic that use this form over on AO3, by victoria_p (musesfool).

So! Message me, leave me reviews, let me know what ships in this universe you want to see and I'll see what my muse can do. Story will be around 1000 words, possibly more. This does include gender-bending if you so desire.

I created a ship request poll on my account profile just in case you want to know the line up of pairings in the pipeline and want to vote on which I'm doing next.


	2. Squirrel Girl X Winter Soldier pt 1

**Summary:** The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl spends another spectacular night saving the citizens of New York.

* * *

Author's Notes: I couldn't get them to have sex in this chapter. So have the prep work needed to explain why SG put Bucky on her form.

There's, like, a whole backstory as to why Bucky has a cat and is also flipping out at being unable to find him. This isn't that story. All you need to know is he really loves that cat. It helps him remember who he really is. I don't know if I'll ever write the actual backstory.

Oh, yeah, if you're not familiar with Squirrel Girl, Tippy-Toe and Monkey Joe are actual squirrels. Doreen, Monkey Joe and Tippy-Toe all have the proportionate speed, strength, and agility of a squirrel, and also adorable fluffy tails.

You should read "The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl", just sayin'. The previous joke about the proportionate blah blah blah was blatantly taken from there. As well as SG's theme song.

Winter Soldier, Squirrel Girl, et. al. © Marvel Comics

* * *

 **Story Arc Title: ** The Glorious and Magnificent Seduction of The Winter Soldier by The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl?

 **Chapter 1:** Lost Kitty

"Squirrel Girl, Squirrel Girl! Does whatever a Squirrel can!" Doreen Green, aka Squirrel Girl sang as she leapt across the Brooklyn roof tops. Her faithful friend and sidekick, Tippy-Toe on her shoulder.

"Find some nuts! Eat some nuts!" Tippy-Toe sang.

"Kicking bad guys butts!" Monkey Joe added. Though only Doreen, or other squirrels, could understand their singing as anything more than squeaking and chittering.

"Help! Please!" a man cried out in the night.

"Hey, Doreen, a real live citizen in distress!" Tippy-Toe cried out, wiggling her nose and as she pointed towards the direction the voice came from.

"Alright, Tippy-Toe! Monkey Joe! This is our first totally legit case!" Doreen said to her squirrel companions, slightly louder she added, "Never fear citizen! The mighty Squirrel Girl is here!"

She flipped from the rooftop and landed in a defensive crouch before the man calling out for help. Her fluffy, squirrel tail lashed in excitement. Tippy-Toe and Monkey Joe cried out ferocious squirrel war calls.

"CHUCKA!"

The man before them gazed at them in disbelief. Doreen bounced into an offensive stance and drew some acorns from one of her suit's pouches.

"What ails you, good citizen? The amazing Squirrel Girl is here to save you from the horrors of New York, New York!" Doreen said with confidence.

"Chucka-chuck chucka!" Tippy-Toe added.

After a moment to acknowledge the reality of the situation, the man held his gloved hands clasped before him, as if in supplication. "Please! I really can't find my cat, and I know it's three in the morning, but Neil Catrick Harris and I would both appreciate the help!"

"Chuuuuuck-chuka." Tippy-Toe said as she face palmed.

"Now, that's not nice, Tippy-Toe. This poor, traumatized and not at all suspicious man has lost someone important to him! It is our duty as superheroes to help!" Doreen said as she came out of her fighting stance, tail rising up to rest with the tip curled behind her head.

Tippy-Toe crossed her arms and turned up her nose, "Chucka-chuck." Monkey Joe shook his head and sighed.

"Don't pay any attention to Tippy-Toe, mister, we'll help you find Neil Catrick Harris!" Doreen said, smiling brightly as she tossed an acorn to Tippy-Toe and put the rest back in her pouch.

"Thank you, Squirrel Girl! I, I know he's just a cat, but he means so much to me," he said, clearly relieved. Squirrel Girl turned to Monkey Joe and spoke quickly in squirrel-ese to him, Monkey Joe saluted and bounded away.

"Just doing my duty as your friendly neighborhood Squirrel Girl!" she said brightly in response, "Don't worry stranger, Monkey Joe is going to get some help. We'll find Neil Catrick Harris in no time!"

"Ah, thank you, again," he said quietly, looking down at his booted feet.

"Chuka-chuk-uk chuka," Tippy Toe said suspiciously.

"Now really, Tippy Toe, I can hardly go around demanding strangers names when I won't even give them mine!" Squirrel Girl said in response, frowning at Tippy Toe.

"No, that's… that's ok, you can call me B-b, uh, James," he said in response to Squirrel Girl's inadvertent translation of Tippy Toe's suspicions. He rubbed his thumb across his knuckles on his left arm, looked up at Squirrel Girl, then quickly darted his eyes to their surroundings as the high line roared past nearby. The street was relatively empty, for Brooklyn, which isn't to say completely.

Squirrel Girl rocked back and forth on her feet, tail moving to keep her balance, as she hummed cheerfully under her breath. A distant 'chuuuuuuuk chuk chucka chuckuck-cha' reached them and Squirrel Girl smiled at James.

"Sounds like they've found him! He's OK, they're gonna bring him here!" she said.

"There! One lost kitty cat by the name of Neil Catrick Harris found!" Squirrel Girl said brightly to James.

"I was so worried, Catrick!" he said quietly as he picked up the one eyed, stump tailed ball of black fluff from the squirrels. "Don't you go wandering off like that again, you little fat-head. That's an order!" he added, nuzzling down into Neil Catrick Harris' soft fur. Then seeming to remember his audience he raised his head to turn his serious gaze to Squirrel Girl, "Thank you, Squirrel Girl. I owe you. If you ever need back-up, just send your squirrel friends my way."

"That's sweet of you to say, totally normal citizen named James! We're just happy to be of service, have a nutty day!" Dorreen said as she raised her hand in a sloppy salute and leapt away, seeking out further citizens in need of Squirrelly rescue. The squirrels milled about for a few moments more before returning to their interrupted routines.

'James' looked down at his fluffy pal as he started walking back to their shared flat.

* * *

Squirrel Girl's wrist communicator chimed.

"Oh, what's this? Monkey Joe, Tippy Toe, we've got a new email from Coulson! Ooooh it's urgent!"

"Oh?"

"What's it say?"

"Dunno, let's see here…"

* * *

 _To: SHIELD Academy Administrators-LVL6; SHIELD Academy Team 'Classic'-LVL4; SHIELD Academy Team 'New Warriors'-LVL1_

 _CC: Director of SHIELD-LVL10_

 _Date: REDACTED_

 _Subject: Update to Form 7A WF 83429 (! URGENT)_

 _Attachment: REDACTED_

 _After careful review of recent events, it has become apparent that all SHIELD agents will need to immediately review and complete the attached emergency action form. This includes agent trainees enrolled at SHIELD Academy._

 _Return the completed form by 1700._

 _Academy teams please direct all questions to Spider-Man._

 _Agent Phil Coulson_

 _Director of SHIELD Academy_

 _Strategic Homeland Intervention and Enforcement Logistics Division_

 _S.H.I.E.L.D._

 _Warning: The contents of this message are a matter of planetary security. Unauthorized reproduction of the contents of this message, in whole or in part, will result in prosecution to the fullest extent of planetary law._

 _Clearance Level One - All S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and contractors are authorized to view this message. If you are receiving this message in error leave your systems powered on, do not attempt to delete this message, and remain calm. SHIELD personnel will be contacting you shortly._

* * *

 _To: Agent Coulson-LVL6; Spider-Man-LVL6_

 _CC: Director of SHIELD-LVL10_

 _Date: REDACTED_

 _Subject: RE: Update to Form 7A WF 83429 (! URGENT)_

 _Attachment: REDACTED_

 _Mr. Agent Coulson, I got the thing!_

 _Monkey Joe, Tippy Toe and Mr. Lieberman and I talked it over, and I kind of ran out of room on the form cuz apparently 'James from Brooklyn with the one eyed cat named Neil Catrick Harris' was too long?_

 _Squirrel Girl_

 _Let's get nuts!_

 _Strategic Homeland Intervention and Enforcement Logistics Division_

 _S.H.I.E.L.D._

 _Warning: The contents of this message are a matter of planetary security. Unauthorized reproduction of the contents of this message, in whole or in part, will result in prosecution to the fullest extent of planetary law._

 _Clearance Level Six - Only S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and authorized contractors rated Level Six and higher may view the contents of this message. If you are receiving this message in error leave your systems powered on, do not attempt to delete this message, and remain calm. SHIELD personnel will be contacting you shortly._


	3. Squirrel Girl X Winter Soldier pt 2

_**warnings:** dubious consent, implied past rape_

 _ **Notes:**_

 _*words* - translated from squirrel_

 _**words** - translated from catese_

 _This is as far as I've gotten. I just can't bring myself to write the rest of it. Lesson learned I guess. The rest of the requests for this lil AU will likely be an email to coulson and the meet up/decision of how the chara put so and so on their letter. Sorry._

* * *

James Buchanan Barnes, aka The Winter Soldier, aka Bucky, also known as one of Earth's most dangerous (and successful) assassins, and currently ranked in SHIELD's top five most wanted persons presumed to be on planet, was sprawled on the on the floor of his (lightly furnished) Brooklyn apartment. A tiny, fluffy, one-eyed, stumpy tailed, black kitten was perched on his chest, it's one eye closed, purring away like a skillsaw going through hardwood.

Though to be fair the sound was somewhat difficult to hear over Bucky's sonorous snores. The kitten perked up at the sound of scratching at the window. He yawned and stretched wide, then casually sauntered towards the window, where a pack of squirrels were trying to get his attention.

"*NCH, we have a squirrel-mergency, get your human, stat!*" one eastern grey squirrel said with urgency. NCH sat down in front of the window and studiosly licked his paw.

"*Catrick, come on, Doreen is really sick*," the same unnamed squirrel plead. Catrick proceeded to wash his face with his now clean paw.

"The humans in the suits are too busy arguing about weird human stuff, but Mr. Lieberman heard them say that your human could help Squirrel Girl get better!" another squirrel chimed in.

NCH finished washing his face. The squirrels chittered incomprehensibly in frustration.

"Please!" they plead as one.

"**Meow**" NCH said, before beginning to groom his chest. The eastern grey squirrel did a dance of frustration about the fire escape.

"Neil Catrick Harris, would you **kindly** get your human to follow us back to Squirrel Girl? It would be really super duper amazing of you, and also all the squirrels in New York will owe you one," the apparent lead squirrel ground out in irritation, tail lashing.

"**Meow!**" Catrick said cheerfully, strolling casually back over to the still sleeping master assassin. Batting at the sleeping man's long hair, the kitten called out, "**Mrrrrrow, mrow, mmmmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr**"

"Stevie whazzat?" Bucky snorted, waking up and blinking blearily, before his eyes sharpened and he scanned his surroundings.

"Meow!" Catrick said urgently.

"Oh, hey short stuff," Bucky said, reaching down to pick up the kitten and cuddle him close, "Did you knock over your water again? It isn't supper time yet, you know."

Catrick purred and rubbed his head against Bucky's chin as Bucky petted him.

"... Catrick why are there squirrels?" Bucky asked as he noticed the veritable army of fuzzy critters on his fire escape.

"Mrow!" Catrtick leapt down and attempted to lead his human to the fire escape. Bucky stared.

"I'm gonna need more coffee, NCH," Bucky said, ending on a yawn. The squirrels protested this statement. Bucky poured a cup of disturbingly viscous, bitter smelling dark fluid from a cheap, barely warm, coffee pot.

NCH mewled and stretched his front paws high against the window pane. Bucky slung back the 'coffee' in one go and rinsed out the cup in his tiny kitchen's sink.

"OK, pussy cat, I hear ya," Bucky said, grabbing his beat up ballcap and thrift shop army jacket on his way to the window. Bucky opened the window and caught NCH as he tried to make a break for it, "You're staying here, puss. With some squirrely guards."

The squirrels protested. Bucky leveled his sternest glower. The squirrels debated furiously amongst themselves while NCH yowled in protest.

A handful of squirrels stepped forward and proceed to use charades to explain that they would happily keep NCH from getting lost again, but refused to stay locked up in the apartment. Bucky sighed.

"If he gets hurt I think I might be able to remember ma's recipe for squirrel dumplings, hey," Bucky said to the cat guard remaining behind. They saluted smartly, tails alert.

"Alright you nutters, this better be important."

* * *

It was rather difficult remaining inconspicuous surrounded by a veritable army of fluffy, noisy squirrels, but Bucky was doing his best to play it off as just one of those weird things that just happen in New York. It was working fairly well, all things considered. However it was most definitely not going to work on the SHIELD agents posted around the secure location his furry troublemakers had led him.

He had already plotted the fastest methods of entry and his best guess for exit before he remembered that Squirrel Girl was affiliated with SHIELD.

"Hey, nut lovers, ya didn't say, do we just walk up? Things are kinda not copacetic with me an' SHIELD right now…" Bucky trailed off as the squirrels formed a 'squirrel suit' around him, "Yes, of course."

The squirrels were insistent on walking through the front door.

Bucky complied with a huff of irritation, and was surprised when it actually worked.

"Well, whaddya know?"

And kept working.

Until he reached the observation room where the squirrels were leading him to.

An angry, un-masked, red and blue suited superhero (Spider-Man, two wrist mounted webshooters; nonlethal tazing tech likely installed, stealthed utility belt with extra web canisters other contents unknown, super strength, super agility, potential other unknown powers) turned, ready to snarl something (probably about restricted areas if he had to guess) then stopped in surprise. A bland faced SHIELD agent (Special Agent rank bars, .9mm Beretta shoulder holster, spring loaded wrist holster for a knife, likely hidden gun and knife in boots, pocket contents unknown) stood with a Starkpad (StarkDocs open to 7A WF 83429 Consent Form for Hallucinogen, Toxin, Chemical Agent or Other Event, Agent: Doreen Green, Alias(es): Squirrel Girl, Preferred Partner: James from Brooklyn with the one eyed ca) in hand, clearly trying to reason with the young man before him. Spider-Man wouldn't kill him, giving him the advantage. Spider-Man also wouldn't allow him to be killed. He was here to help the young man's teammate, anyways.

He noted a very naked Squirrel Girl on the other side of the two way mirror. Training so brutal it was now instinct cataloging the items in that room (inset fluorescent ceiling lighting, cameras-on, mattress, white sheets, one super suit in pieces on the floor) as well as this one (two wall switches, next to the door, inset fluorescent ceiling lighting, one switch next to the two way mirror, table, two uncomfortable looking chairs at the table, two Starkpads-the second one loose on the table on and locked with clearance level unknown, one rolling desk chair). Two other agent-technicians clustered (and leered he was sure, he could practically smell their musk, even past the squirrels) around the camera feed to the room.

His carefully constructed speech flew out of his mind, muscles tensing, jaw clenching, he snarled, "нет!"

When he came back to himself, running through the back alleys and hidden ways of New York, New York, he was only mildly surprised to find himself with an armful of writhing, keening, young, somewhat fluffy, woman. Her army of squirrel followers running along with him, almost like a screening element. Useful.

"Hey doll, can you quiet down for like, five, eight minutes, tops?" Bucky asked, really not expecting a response.

"Ooooh James anything for you, yeah, I can be quiet, I'll be good, I'll be the bestest, most quietest," Doreen began whispering, fluffy tail wrapping around his waist.

"Great," Bucky said sarcastically, Doreen squeed and (quietly) clapped her hands. Bucky sighed, "You can go ahead and call me Bucky, doll."

"Oh Bucky, how cute! Like my very own Bucky Bear!"

"Exactly like that, yeah," Bucky grumbled as he (relatively successfully) snuck them into an empty hotel room, one he knew from previous (ingrained) recon would be empty the rest of today and tonight.

Had he been imagining that form, open on the pad?

The squirrels mostly dispersed, once he opened the balcony door.

SHIELD really had such a form, in the first place?

Three be-ribboned Eastern Greys stayed on the balcony as he carried Doreen inside.

Had she, **actually** , chosen **him** , after meeting him all of **once**?

"Doll, look, you gotta know something about me," he began as he stopped restraining her. Her nimble fingers danced up his muscled stomach and chest, pushing his jacket to the floor.

Was she **crazy**?

"Oooh, shiney!" she said in delight as she ran her fingers across his metal arm in fascination. Watching it as he moved his arm up to her face, she turned her head easily and met his serious gaze with a bright, somewhat over eager grin.

Scratch that, she ran around in tights fighting super villains. She was **definitely** crazy.

"Look, Squirrel Girl, I just think you might not have put me on that form if you knew who I really was, is all. I know a guy, a real swell guy you can trust way more than **me** , he'll come here and help you out. If I ring him up," Bucky tried again.

Doreen pressed her face against the cool metal of his hand with a sigh.

"I want **you** ," she said, looking up at him with glazed eyes, "but, I guess if you want me to—"

"No!" Bucky snapped out, horrified.

"Ok," Doreen said, blinking in confusion, hand pushing up, under his shirt to feel his warm skin and toned muscles.


	4. peter X luke X danny one shot

_**Notes:** __Collab with the lovely Sci (sciderman on AO3) they wrote most of the dialogue and picked out the songs Danny sings. This isn't really a song fic though, I don't think._

 _The songs are are:_  
 _Don't Leave Me This Way by The Communards_  
 _and_  
 _Gold by Spandau Ballet_

 _Tagged dubcon because of the tea, so it could be read that way. It isn't my intention and the tea is fictional Kun L'un tea that doesn't remove a person's ability to give consent, but, still. Don't drug people to have sex with them, that's wrong._

 _So I found this AO3 tag generator and Sci and a friend and I all got tags with 'vegan' in them, I think USM Danny is actually vegetarian, but eh, close enough. The prompted tags were:_  
 _#manly vegan threesome_  
 _#brief vegan striptease_  
 _#drunk vegan rimming_

 _This fic is pretty much PWP (Plot? What Plot?) and starts in media res._

 _Translations of the Spanish and Mandarin are at the end, and credit to the poem Danny recites, also at the end. The haiku is all Sciderman tho. If I got the foreign languages wrong and you don't mind telling me how to fix it, I'd appreciate it, thanks!_

 _All the porn is on me, I wrote those bits._

 _Yeah, this ain't safe for work... #NSFW_

 _ **[this fic is edited and censored for ff net]**_

* * *

 **To:** SHIELD Academy Administrators-LVL6; SHIELD Academy Team 'Classic'-LVL4; SHIELD Academy Team 'New Warriors'-LVL1

 **CC:** Director of SHIELD-LVL10

 **Date:** REDACTED

 **Subject:** [Memo] Unauthorized Substances

 **Attachment:** CadetRegulationsContraindictionsAndExemptions

This email is to remind all Agent Trainees that religious exemptions to contraindicated substances apply only to those trainees with duly notarized and authorized exemption forms. As a reminder Dragonsfoot Tea is a contraindicted substance.

There are no exceptions to this regulation. All SHIELD Agent Trainees, including team leaders, are required to review the attached regulations and send a read receipt upon completion to myself, Assistant Director Hill, and Directory Fury.

Agent Phil Coulson

Director of SHIELD Academy

 **S** trategic **H** omeland **I** ntervention and **E** nforcement **L** ogistics **D** ivision

S.H.I.E.L.D.

 _ **Warning** : The contents of this message are a matter of planetary security. Unauthorized reproduction of the contents of this message, in whole or in part, will result in prosecution to the fullest extent of planetary law._

 _Clearance Level One - All S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and contractors are authorized to view this message. If you are receiving this message in error leave your systems powered on, do not attempt to delete this message, and remain calm. S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel will be contacting you shortly._

* * *

 **Feeling the Darjeeling**

"Danny, man, you are high," Luke said. Then noticing Danny's current state added, "Sweet Christmas you need to calm down."

"I am not high I am awakened," Danny said from his half sprawl on his meditation rug, not even attempting to hide his erection, "Join me in awakening your soul."

"I'm already woke, thanks," Luke replied.

"Here take a sip," Danny stood smoothly to his feet and offered Luke his mug of tea, "Feel at one with the mother Earth. Let her chi flow through your body."

As he spoke the mark of the Iron Fist on his chest began to glow with the golden light of his own chi.

"No man, you've had enough, " Luke sighed, looking up at Danny in exasperation. Danny smiled back beatifically as Luke stood up and took the mug of herbal tea.

"I'm cutting you off," he said once the mug was in his grip. Whining pitifully Danny surrendered the mug and wrapped his arms around Luke.

"What, man, Danny, come **on** ," Luke said, putting the mug down awkwardly as Danny clung stubbornly to him, his glowing chi dragon tingling against Luke's skin through the fabric of his shirt as Danny cuddled closer.

" _Don't leave me this way~_ " Danny sang sweetly as Luke tried to gently break Danny's grip.

"Man, that stupid tea makes you so **clingy** ," Luke complained as Danny wrapped his legs around his waist. His erection rubbing against Luke's shirt and leaving wet spots of precum behind as he squirmed around from Luke's chest to his back, avoiding Luke's reaching hands.

" _I can't survive, I can't stay alive~_ " Danny continued to sing while he wiggled about.

"Danny, man, come on," Luke pled, then finally grabbing onto one of Danny's arms, "Gotcha!"

Danny, confident in his inability to actually injure Luke, shifted his legs into a grapple hold using his full strength. Incidentally pressing his hard, hot cock into the small of Luke's back. Luke growled and tugged. Luke's shirt ripped as Danny remained holding onto it, relaxing his torso with the motion of Luke's tug. Danny crooned, " _Without your love, no baby~_ "

"Sweet Christmas Danny, take a—"

The door slid open with a whoosh that sounded like a sigh.

Luke froze.

" _Don't leave me this way, I can't exist~_ ," Danny sang on, completely unperturbed by Peter walking in, on the ceiling, wearing star pyjamas and an actual bucket somehow on his head, into their shared dorm room. The door slid closed behind him with another gentle humming whoosh, " _I will surely miss your tender kiss~_ "

"Hey guys, check out my god tier cosplay. Amazing, right?" Peter said, before giving a tiny shriek and dropping the bucket on the ground.

" _So don't leave me this way~_ ," Danny threw out his hand towards Peter, " _Oh baby, my heart is full of love and desire for you~_ "

"Wow, sorry fellas. The door wasn't locked, I just—" Peter began as he held up his hands in the classic 'woah' gesture.

" _So come on down and do what you've got to do~_ ," Danny sang as he gestured for Peter to join them on the ground.

"Wooooowwww, okay, hoo, I'm really, um, sorry. Yeah, I'm gonna. Go," Peter said, Luke glaring daggers at him while Danny continued singing.

"I swear Webs if you—"

" _You started this fire down in my soul~_ ," Danny arched his chest, golden dragon glowing brightly with his chi.

"Danny, your singing is beautiful. Keep at, whatever," Peter talked over them both, backing up, "It is you're doing, I—"

" _Now can't you see it's burning out of control~_ ," Danny flared his chi into his hands briefly.

"Yeah, that's great, I'm gonna—" Peter began as he twisted around to reach for the door's ground level access panel.

" _So come on down and satisfy the need in me~_ ," Danny writhed suggestively against Luke, rubbing his erection against his back.

"Pete if you leave me alone with this idiot, I will slam your spider head into the toilet," Luke said through clenched teeth.

"Ooookaayyy," Peter said, dropping (raising?) his hand and laughing nervously from his spot on the ceiling.

"Ah, yes, gather round my friends," Danny said, flopping over Luke's head and shoulders. Smiling up at Peter, golden chi from the dragon on his naked chest tingling pleasantly against Luke's skin, "It is as my master, the Thunderer, always said."

"Your master had a saying for **this** ," Peter said, frowning down at him. Luke sighed, partially from frustration, but mostly from the pleasant, dragon shaped thrum of chi against his skin.

"Sharing is caring," Danny said, smiling.

Peter was less than impressed.

"Man, don't ask him about his stupid sayings, Webs," Luke groaned.

"We must count nothing as our own to live a pure, unselfish life," Danny replied.

"Heh, whoops," Peter said, rubbing the back of his head.

Danny attempted to flip gracefully over to Peter, but tangled himself up somehow and landed in a pile of pants and limbs at Luke's feet.

"Dammit Danny," Luke said, putting his head in his hands, "You're like, a legit **ninja**."

Peter started giggling.

"Ninja are Japanese, Luke, I am a kung fu master," Danny corrected as he untangled himself from Luke's pants. Peter pointed at Luke, unable to get a word out between giggles. Luke, clad only in gold briefs, glared back.

"Ugh, really?" Luke groaned as Danny got distracted from standing up by Luke's gold briefs.

"Truly a statue carved for the gods would not be as glorious," Danny sighed as he nuzzled against Luke's butt.

Peter leaned against the wall, still snickering.

"Even the greatest warriors of legend would never have looked as fantastic," Danny ran his hands up Luke's legs, "in these golden briefs," Danny rested his hands over Luke's gold clad cheeks, gazing reverently at him, "hot damn."

"I am seriously going to dump all of that stupid tea in the toilet," Luke promised. Danny slapped his ass cheek.

"Too fine golden time," Danny recited, "To smack that ass with some class, ride 'till the morning."

"Danny…" Luke said, voice strained, "Not again, man, not like this."

"Again?" Pete said, gigglefit forgotten in favor of gossip, "You mean you guys already…" Peter trailed off and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Luke gave Peter a look, Danny began humming.

"Haha, wow, so Ava was right," Peter said, grinning. Luke rolled his eyes.

" _Thank you for coming home~_ ," Danny started singing, nuzzling into the small of Luke's back and rubbing his ass.

"Danny," Luke said with all the grace of the long suffering, "Shut. **Up**."

" _I'm sorry that the chairs are all worn, I left them here I could have sworn_ ~" Danny sang on, Luke sighing deeply as Danny continued, " _These are my salad days, slowly being eaten away~_ "

"I don't know why you're complaining, his voice is great," Peter said, Danny smiled widely in response.

"Man, don't encourage him," Luke said, much aggrieved. Peter smirked.

" _Just another play for today_ ~" he sang along with Danny, in harmony.

"No," Luke said in horror.

" _Oh but I'm proud of you, but I'm proud of you~_ " they crooned together, Peter moving closer.

"Stop," Luke added.

" _Nothing left to make me feel small~_ " Danny cupped Luke's slowly hardening cock through his briefs.

" _Luck has left me standing so tall_ ~" Peter held out his hand as he stepped forward and sang in harmony.

"No more singing," Luke begged.

" _Gold~_ " Peter and Danny harmonized together, with enthusiasm.

"Sweet Christmas."

Peter clasped his hands to his chest dramatically.

" _Always believe in your soul~_ " Danny focused his chi into his hand, Luke slumped back against him.

"Please..."

" _You've got the power to know~_ " Peter put a hand to Luke's cheek.

"Stop **singing** ," Luke ground out, glaring at Peter as Danny stroked him through his briefs.

" _You're indestructible~_ ," Peter sang through his smirking grin.

"OK, **fine** , whatever," Luke groaned.

" _Always believe in, because you are~_ ," sensing Luke's surrender, Danny dismissed his chi and pushed Luke down onto his stomach.

" _Gold~_ ," Peter and Danny finished singing, Danny pulling Luke's briefs off and flinging them away.

"Haha, ok, wow, my work here is done," Peter said, laughing awkwardly and backing away.

Danny spread Luke's cheeks and licked.

"You two lovebirds let me know if you need anything, tea, snacks, condoms…" Peter said, blushing.

"Oh, we have tea," Danny said, standing up smoothly, grabbing the cooled mug from where it had been placed earlier, and offering it to Peter. Luke growled in frustration.

Peter dropped to the ground, landing lightly on his feet and taking the proffered mug. Ingrained politeness preventing him from declining. Danny smiled, then reached into the nearby nightstand for a bottle of lube, leaving the drawer open, before returning his attention back to Luke.

"So this is the cause of all this trouble," Peter said, making a face as he sniffed suspiciously at the tea.

"Do not linger in the past, focus instead on the present," Danny said, kneeling down and dropping the lube within easy reach. He spread Luke's ass and resumed his interrupted licking.

"It smells like... bad decisions," Peter said, "Very suspect," a small sip of the tea, tasting it, "Eugh, definitely bad decisions."

Luke rocked back against Danny's tongue, watching Peter through half lidded eyes.

"Wouldn't be the— ahh —the first— mmm —bad decision you've made, Webs," Luke said between moans, grinning in challenge, "I guarantee you— this'll be one of your— rrrah —better ones."

"Gee, you're so persuasive, **Powsy** ," Peter said dryly, rolling his eyes. Though his gaze immediately returned his naked teammates laying before him.

"Well excuse me— hnnn —for being distracted," Luke responded sarcastically, or as sarcastically as he could with Danny's tongue and lips teasing at his entrance, "and don't... don't call me **Powsy** , that's dumb."

"You should know well what can hold you back and what can free you, " Danny said, Luke grunting in annoyance at the interruption.

Peter contemplated the bitter tea for a few, concerningly quiet, moments. Danny reached for the lube and coated his fingers liberally.

"Bottoms up!" Peter said, tossing back the tea with a grimace. Luke dropped his face into his palms, Danny sighed in exasperation at the terrible joke. Pleased as punch at his pun, and doubly so at actually getting a reaction from Danny, Peter set the empty mug down on the nearby dresser.

"Webs..." Luke groaned, partially from Danny's fingers curling against that oh so sweet spot and partially from the pain that was speaking with one Peter Parker.

Peter stumbled and, much to his surprise, found himself lying face up on the ground next to Luke as his body relaxed from the effects of the tea.

"Woah, dude," Peter said as his blue irises shrunk into thin rings around his rapidly dilating pupils. He closed his eyes, breathing deeply, "Yeah, wow, I get what you mean, Danny.

"I do feel at peace... at one with the **universe** ," Peter sighed, smiling softly.

"Yeah, just wait," Luke snorted, then moaned as Danny summoned his chi, teasing him.

"Sweet Christmas."

Peter failed to tease Luke at his moaned catchphrase.

"I can feel the... energy… the... chi?" Peter asked, turning glazed eyes towards Danny, "It feels like... threads... being woven… right now… into a web..." Peter trailed off, gazing into the distance.

"We each are connected to the universe in our own, unique, way," Danny responded.

"Yeah, I guess…" Peter trailed off as he reflected on these new sensations. His silence punctuated by Luke's moans and the wet noises of Danny's fingers working at Luke.

"...Did you just roofie me? 'Cause all of a sudden I am feelin' the darjeeling," Peter asked lazily as his pyjamas tented with his sudden erection.

"There is no coercion, only freedom from artificial restraints," Danny said calmly. Luke groaned and rocked his hips back against Danny's hand.

"You're free to go back— ah —to your cold, lonely— hn —room, Webs," Luke added between gasps, "But if you tell anyone about this, I'll shove your head so far up your own ass..."

"Hoo! Is that my spider-sense tingling or…" Peter said nervously as he adjusted his aching erection.

"We should channel that anger in more productive ways," Danny said in reproach. Luke growled in response. Peter played with the hem of his star patterned pyjama top.

"So you guys have done this kinda thing before?" Peter asked, eyes growing more focused.

"Again. Before. Who can say how long our souls have turned on the great wheel of life," Danny said philosophically.

"Um, when did wheels get involved, exactly?" Peter asked, blinking in confusion.

"Webs, you idiot, it's a metaphor for reincarnation," Luke snapped, then gasped and arched back into Danny's nimble fingers.

"Oh, yeah, I knew that," Peter attempted to bluff. Luke was too distracted to call him on it.

Coming to a decision, Peter flipped over the other two teens and landed, crouching, on the night stand. The still open drawer contained, among other things, a mix of flavored and lubricated condoms. Peter pulled off his shirt and tossed it away carelessly.

"So, seriously, is this like, a regular thing, or what?" Peter tried again to get an intelligible answer.

"A monk is not valued by the number of pilgrimages to the mountain peak, but by the endurance he shows during his travels," Danny responded. Peter pulled off his pyjama bottoms and dropped them carelessly to the floor. The musky scent of his naked arousal filling the air.

"What does that even mean?" Peter said, grabbing a condom packet and hopping down next to them. He tore open the foil packet and dropped onto his knees from his crouch.

"It means 'Shut your traps before I smack a fool'," Luke said through gritted teeth. Peter pulled the pre-lubricated condom free and rolled it on, flicking the foil packet in the general direction of the the trash. It bounced off the wall and landed in the basket.

Danny coaxed Luke onto his hands and knees, locking eyes with Peter and tilting his head towards Luke. Peter grinned. Danny surrendered his position behind Luke to Peter.

"So, how indestructible are you, exactly?" Peter asked, gripping Luke's hips as he took Danny's former place behind Luke.

"You're not gonna break **me** , Webs," Luke said with confidence. Peter strengthened his grip on Luke's hips.

"Go hard or go home," Danny said sagely.

[scene censored for ff net uncensored available on ao3]

Peter groaned, then slumped forward bracing against Luke, chest heaving. Danny relaxed his legs around Peter's hips and Peter slid out with a wet pop. Reaching down, Peter pulled off the full condom and tied it off one handed. He tossed it into the trash as he flopped bonelessly down next to Danny.

Danny turned to sprawl against Peter's chest, legs intertwining with Luke's. Luke snuggled up against Danny's back, closing his eyes and getting comfortable.

"Wait, wait, wait, **this** was part of your **training**?" Peter said, brain finally processing Danny's earlier words.

Danny stared at Peter, Luke grumbled sleepily. Peter blinked at Danny in confusion.

"...Yes," Danny said with a tired sigh.

"But, you're a monk..." Peter said. Danny dropped his head down onto Peter's chest.

"Yes," Danny said, shoulders slumping.

Luke growled wordlessly.

"But…" Peter tried again, "You're a… **monk**."

"... Yes." Danny replied in quiet defeat. Luke raised his head and glared at Peter.

"But…" Peter began.

Danny sighed heavily.

"Webs, if you don't **shut up** I'm throwing you through the door," Luke snapped.

"But…"

"Obviously not that kind of monk, Web-Head, now **shut up** and **go to sleep** or get out," Luke said as he attempted to get comfortable once again.

"Yeah, yeah," Peter grumbled, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep to the sound of Luke's steady breathing and Danny's soft snores.

* * *

 _ **Notes:** The poem Danny recites isn't mine:_

 _"the most_  
 _beautiful tide_

 _is the sweep_  
 _of your heart_  
 _against mine."_  
 _― Sanober Khan_


End file.
